4 key ways to support your child after separation

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There are important steps you can take to support your child after separation. Without the right support, your child’s mental health and physical health can deteriorate. This is not what you want.

In this article, we unpack 4 key ways to help protect your child’s well-being:

  • Reassessing priorities
  • Zero-conflict zone
  • How to tell the child what’s happening
  • What to avoid saying.

Let’s take a look at each of these and some snapshot case studies.

 

Reassessing priorities to support your child after separation

Child counsellors will agree that putting the best interests of the child first is one of the highest priorities, if not the highest priority, if you want to support your child after separation. In one case study, parents of four children separated. Even though dad was getting time with the children, they didn’t have a set routine in place. Dad was seeing the children on an ad hoc basis. The children were always asking mum, “when are we going to see dad?” and they were on the phone asking dad when they would see him next.

During family dispute resolution mediation, the practitioner guided the parents to consider putting the best interests of the child first. The parents agreed to make decisions based on their child’s best interests, not their own best interests. When they did this, they found it a lot easier to come to an agreement on parenting issues and structured times for the children to see dad. This new way of thinking completely changed the dynamics of their communication and was a positive step towards supporting their children after separation.

 

Zero-conflict zone

Protecting your child from conflict is another important step. When a child is exposed to ongoing conflict between separating or separated parents, it will have a negative impact on their well-being. Try to make your home and the places you go with your child outside your home, a zero-conflict zone.

For example, this may mean:

  • only communicating with the other parent over the phone or via email when the child is at school
  • not discussing separation issues with friends or family when the child is around
  • being as patient as you can with your children as they try and navigate the changes.

By setting up a zero-conflict zone, you can reduce the child’s exposure to conflict.

 

How to tell the child what’s happening

The Australian Government’s Family Relationships website says it is important when you are separating to tell the child that this is happening. You are urged to “keep it simple, keep it centred on the basic, objective facts”, keep it calm and non-judgemental.

Steps to consider, include:

  • keeping the discussions future focussed
  • describing the arrangements for future parenting
  • reassuring your child that they are not the reason for the separation
  • reassuring your child that they are loved by both parents.

The Raising Children Network raises the fact that there may be questions the child asks that are hard to answer. This is where it’s important to grow your skills by doing a parenting after separation course. Courses like this can equip you with tools to protect your child during and after separation, including how to answer the hard questions.

 

What to avoid saying

Knowing what not to say to your child, is another critical way to support your child after separation.

Avoid details. The child doesn’t usually need to know the reasons why the separation is occurring. The child doesn’t need to be told the issues mum and dad are going through, or the reasons why one parent doesn’t want to be with the other parent.

Avoid triangulation (putting the other parent down and trying to turn the child against the other parent). In one case study, mum ran down dad to her young children for several years after the separation. As the children got older, they began to see that dad was not the person mum was making him out to be. Years later, when the children were in their late teens, they became closer to dad, and began distancing themselves from mum.

Avoid guilt tripping. In one case study, the child wanted to spend time with mum, but dad would say, “Don’t you want to spend time with me? Oh well, you go and see your mother then”. The children felt guilty leaving dad to visit mum and the visits became very painful occasions.

Avoid manipulation. Family Relationships gives another example where mum was saying to the child, “I love him [dad] but he doesn’t love me. He wants to sell the house, but I don’t want to.” This put pressure on the children to take sides.

Communication such as guilt tripping, triangulation, getting the child to report on what the other parent is doing, and other destructive communications, are not in the best interests of the child.

 

Better Place Australia child counselling in Melbourne

Better Place Australia child counselling in Melbourne (Psychological services) has seen positive outcomes supporting children after separation.

Your young person can be helped through counselling to be able to:

  • express their feelings in a safe place
  • manage strong emotions such as blame, guilt and anger
  • learn how to express themselves to others and relate positively
  • understand their family and friend relationships as they are now and how they change
  • develop resilience and improve emotional stability.

Make an enquiry about child counselling in Melbourne.

Watch the case study video below where a Better Place Australia child counsellor shares a snapshot of how she helped children of separated parents navigate issues they were experiencing through the separation.

 


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